I just had my 9th birthday 3 months before my father died. A dramatic part in this situation was that I had foreseen it some hours before or let’s better say: a deep feeling within me told me that I wouldn’t see my father anymore in my life after I said “see you later” that day. It was not a guessing or a fear. I knew it deep inside of me and I knew I couldn’t tell anybody about it. Some hours later I got the message that he had died in a car accident.
Not only my life, but my whole being felt like being burst in a million pieces and a carefree, humorous child turned into a traumatized, paralyzed girl that after days and weeks of crying and mourning wasn’t able to laugh, cry or talk about her emotions anymore. After the death of my father, my mother developed a strong depression that made it impossible for her to care for her children the way they would have needed it. So, my sister and I tried to care for her the best we could.
My family members were protestant, but we only went to church, if there was a special event, like a funeral or a wedding. When we were little children we spoke a very short prayer before bed like “Dear God, make me pious so that I will come to you to heaven” and that was it. I remember that I learned the Lord’s prayer in the night my father died, from a friend of my parents.
Religion was present in a way, but it was more based on social than on religious principles. BUT, and that is I think what has shaped me most in my young years, I was gifted with very modern, very open, humanitarian, kindheartedly, social grandparents who not only taught their grandchildren a lot about life, but who have also been a perfect model for what they taught us. They definitely walked the talk. Looking back from my today’s perspective I feel enormous gifted to have had them as my teachers.
Born in 1911 and 1912, in a very male dominated world, in which girls and women were still second class, they preached all three of us (one boy and two girls) to take care of never becoming dependent from anybody or anything, to learn and study instead of running after money that could be lost or stolen. They never made a difference between girls and boys. We all had the same rights and we were all loved. They showed us that sharing is the most normal attitude and should not be something extraordinary, they showed us that even if we fall they were always there to catch us. They showed us what love is. Love that they gave us, love they spread around to everybody who was around and love they felt for each other from when they were 14/15 years old until they died. They were amazing on all levels.
Their model helped me a lot to not get totally lost during my own personal development during the years. They had given me values that I was in resonance with from my own deep feeling, my own truth and they had shown me a way, how these values can be applied.
Thinking back there was also “a God” somewhere in my life, but the idea I had about God was kind of ambivalent. “He” was somebody not reachable in the way I perceived “him” from a religious point of view, he was guarding, controlling, judging which always made me feel guilty somehow, without knowing what for. Somehow this image of God gave me the feeling of guilt and inferiority. Not so Jesus’ equations. They resonated with my inner, even though unconscious truth. Jesus was kind of a friend, a soul-relative and in a way was not related to this picture of God that had been drawn by the church. He was a visionary, a heart person and a wise man who knew about what was right and wrong on a level of love, compassion, fairness, respect and acceptance. In a way he accompanied my life while inspiring from time to time. I was never somebody who followed the bible, but once in a while I opened it spontaneously on a random page. In 99% of these spontaneous “accidents” I had a direct reference to the deeper meaning. But to be honest, I do this with other books too. The bible is only one of them.
When I was about 26 old I started a psycho therapy after no doctor was able to find out what I had while suffering since I was 12 years old from a severe pain syndrome in my gut that was hard to deal with. I was lucky to have a very good therapist who made the therapy never feel like one. It was inspiring conversations about philosophy, art, zen, holistic medicine and so much more. Somehow, without having been conscious about it, these sessions opened a door for me that inspired me to look further. Although this looking further again took some more years……
Meanwhile I was married, had given birth to a wonderful girl, was divorced again, became a single mom and had to become an entrepreneur since my old job didn’t allow to work part time, so that I had to quit and think about how I could make a living while having a two years old hypersensitive and full heartedly loved child, suffering from suddenly appearing severe fever cramps that made it impossible to leave her with my mom or anybody else for some hours while working. So, I only could work when she was sleeping or when she was with her Dad.
Finally my own challenges lead me to become open to and curious about alternative knowledge regarding holistic healing, psychology, philosophy, neuroscience, quantum physics, spirituality, and many more topics……and after some time and having collected a good amount of knowledge, I went back to school to get trained as a NLP practitioner, a meditation and relaxation instructor to start helping other people with their challenges.
While this very tough but also very inspiring time of my life I felt something was happening inside. I felt that some of these lost parts from my childhood were slowly coming back. My pain syndrome was healed by my first initiation into Reiki, in NLP I re-learned to talk about my emotions and to get over my fear of loss. But at a certain point I was like a maniac with the deep desire to learn, learn, learn, study, study, study and collect all kinds of knowledge to be of better help for people……. until – after I had amassed a diverse range of knowledge, had made my experiences and had intensively developed some skills and worked successfully with hundreds of people – I realized that ALL THAT was never about other people. It was ALL about me. I realized that everybody who was attracted by me, had same or similar issues as me. And I realized that I was great in helping others with their issues, but was still sitting on mine without any or only little progress. It actually took me some years to become aware of it and finally was able to use this recognition to allow myself to get helped by others.
You might ask now: What about my image about God and what about my faith? Yes, something was changing, I was coming closer to my truth, but everything was still somehow blurred. But at least I started to understand that there wasn’t a judging God sitting in heaven who ruled my life, but there was something within me that attracted every event and every person to get something healed. Sometimes in a loving and sometimes in a challenging way. No accidents. The only problem of not getting forward on my personal path seemed to be my inner resistances and compensations. But all the different perspectives, all the different ways to look at things, to look at life were needed to finally became aware – of myself and to wake up from an illusion.
As I wrote in the very beginning, after my father’s death, my emotional status quo was like I was dead. No more ability to laugh, to cry or to talk about my emotions and although I re-learned to laugh, to cry and to talk and although I felt a lot of emotions during the years, most of the million pieces were still scattered somewhere.
The years of counselling other people (or let’s say by counselling myself through other people) finally felt like waking up and going further after having circled around like a circus horse in the arena. But the counselling, the slipping into others to help them lift their potential was quite exhausting for me too and so I gave up what I had built up and returned to a common part time job that first of all was a shocking experience. After 10 years of spiritual and psychological counselling, it felt like stepping back to the middle ages. I realized that those 10 years had made me a complete different person, filled with a lot of “alternative” wisdom, knowledge, experiences and a completely different worldview. One of the changes I realized was that my “image” about God had totally changed. There was not that “man” in heaven that was ruling, guarding and judging us. I simply found God within me and within every existing “thing”. When I had the image of somebody exterior before, I now felt that God was something interior. God was All there Is. And this feeling for God made me feel relaxed about the things happening in my life, because I knew everything was going its way in its own rhythm. And also this was not a guessing. It was a deep knowing.
I understood that my faith had always been present, only that it was blurred before and now became visible. It was nothing that I had been given from somebody, nothing that I had adopted from somebody or from any religion. Nothing that I was taught or conditioned to have and apply. It was simply my own faith, based on my own experiences that I made throughout the years. There were influences from different religions, spiritual masters, holistic sciences and philosophies and it was in resonance with my heart and my understanding of Jesus’ equations, that I always felt confirmed my own inner truth.
For me religion was always something created by people who also abused it for their own power, while my faith was always free, coming from this deep feeling of truth within myself. I lately read Rudolph Steiner’s “philosophy of freedom” and it was interesting to recognize a lot of things he was writing back in 1894 that I completely go in resonance with today, but wouldn’t have understood about 20 years ago. Today I feel I am in peace with God, with the world and with myself. I am grateful I haven’t been raised within a religion and therefore was able to discover my faith more freely. Life isn’t easier for sure, it offers the same challenges. No question about that. Maybe it is even harder from time to time because you don’t have a community that gives you some rules to lean on or to get lead. Just a guessing.
On the other side I think there are people who need to be led to not get lost and there are people who have a more freethinking character who would break if such a led way. I think I belong to the second kind of characters. But all in all my idea about life is that our soul knows best what our way is about and leads us constantly through life so that we can’t miss our path. It is only about our own will to make it the first time or if we need some more lessons to understand. It is all about us. It is not about anybody else. Each of us is part of the WHOLE and everything is connected. It is a universal dynamic of evolving consciousness, which is called Creation.
And by the way……. I was always trying to find out what my passion, what my purpose was. I had some ideas about it, but somehow didn’t find it. I was always creative, but like I was burst in a million parts, the things I did were too. I started something and stopped it again……… and it never felt the right thing.
And then one day, art found me while being in a very difficult situation within my family which was a real emotional challenge. Art became my meditation and relaxation tool. But it really began to bloom only after I had reached this point of being in peace, which doesn’t mean that there aren’t any more issues and challenges, because the way goes on and on….. But somehow it seems that what had burst in the beginning, had become whole again after a lot of years. Or at least the biggest part of it. 🙂
What was always present, was this deep feeling of being connected to “something” wise. Something that I would label as “truth”. But you can also call it “God consciousness”. Today I know I never doubted it. I was always a believer, but never religious.
Sorry for my German-English. I hope you all can understand it.
Thanks for listening/reading!